The two Extremes of Parenting
Many of us have probably heard the term “helicopter parent”. These are the moms and dads whom micromanage everything in their child’s life. They mean well and genuinely want the best for their children. The problem is, this style of parenting can leave the child feeling privileged or entitled, and often leads to problems when they leave the home. Recently there has been a pendulum shift to the other extreme, something called “uninvolved parenting”. Technology has been a big factor in creating this problem because in a day and age where we can take cheap aerial selfies and our kids can enjoy unlimited movies in their lap, parenting becomes a hindrance to our enjoyment. It’s much easier to be a friend with our kids, enjoying technology and entertainment together, then it is to actually be involved and parent them. It’s like the age-old saying goes: If you can’t beat them, join them. Except we should reword it to say: If you can’t parent them, join them! This is very much a 21st century dilemma:
If we invest the necessary time to talk with our kids, play with them and engage them in family activities then we aren’t free to do whatever we want, whenever we want.
Our societies solution (as it does with nearly everything) is to find the easiest method of parenting and then streamline it. How does this sound: School is for educating, Church is for religion, fast food feeds us and our tablets entertain us? If we can reduce our role as parents to providing a roof and a ride we have accomplished our objective and Heaven forbid if we were to mix any of these up (unless it’s eating on the go so we can "get more done"). After all, who wants to worry about Church when the football game is on, and who wants to entertain their child when Doc Mc Stuffins can mesmerize them for hours?
What this looks like day to day
The good news is, most of us probably don’t fall into this extreme case of uninvolved parenting. We don’t totally ignore our children or leave them with the TV for days on end. But for many (most) of us, there are certain areas in which we are closer to being completely uninvolved than actively engaged with our kids. Remember this:
Many times it really is one or the other. In our personal lives, we understand this to be true. If I want to improve my writing or learn to draw or read more or lower my golf score, then I have to give up something else in my schedule to focus on one or more of these. It is no different with our children, and if we are not purposeful in what it is that we give up, then time with our kids will quickly rise to the top of this cut-off list. After all, a Disney movie will provide roughly 2 hours of time to devote to something besides them.
I can speak to this from personal experience. It is SO much easier to be an uninvolved parent than to actively engage and nurture and discipline and truly love. The crazy thing is I can see results in my kids almost immediately if I leave them to the TV or don't engage with them. They become more on edge, whiny, emotional and all together little brats. If instead, I engage with them, even for a small amount of time, the outcome is drastically different. Going for a walk to the park brings out smiles, laughs, engages their muscles which makes them happy and they don't remember that there is a TV or shows to watch. This is how I want it to always be. For my kids to choose a walk outside or play time to a movie/TV show. For this to be true I have to realize that this only happens with active engagement, and constant effort on my part to set a good example.
Priorities
This leads to the importance of priorities. Every one of us has priorities, how we choose these priorities is the real question. Are we purposeful, weighing the pros and cons? Or, do we simply roll with what we “like”? Our culture does everything it can to help us choose the later. The newest show comes out on Netflix and we “make” time to binge watch the season in a week. The latest gadget comes out and we “make” room for it in our budget. When it comes to fun things, there is always room, but when the reward isn’t immediate or the path to the reward is difficult and/or long it’s a different story. How many of us have books we want to read or projects we want to complete, or relationships we want to improve? These things take time and effort, sometimes lots of effort, and as a result, years can go by and we wonder why nothing changes. The problem is further multiplied when we realize that we have a very limited time with our kids. The time we put in when they are young will determine how they interact and respond as teenagers, and the input during the teenage years will determine their outlook as adults for the rest of their lives. This should be a sobering realization: The time you spend with your kids when they are toddlers and the patience, discipline, and teaching you commit to a 5-year-old will DIRECTLY impact how they will be as an adult!
How To Avoid Uninvolved Parenting
The good news is, kids are resilient. They pick things up quickly and understand more than we often think. Kids are constantly reading our body language, our tone of voice and observing our habits. Thankfully they also pick up on love. If we are committed to loving, nurturing and prioritizing time with them, they will grow and learn. But we must also realize that quality time is far more than a movie night and popcorn. There is no special formula or certain amount of time that will work for everyone. Each of your kids will be different, requiring different amounts of time and activities to feel connected. Instead, quality time is interaction, games, memorizing verses, helping with homework, going on walks, talking about fears, praying with them and showing them physical affection. If we take the responsibility that falls on us as parents seriously it should cause us to pause often, evaluate our priorities and put real effort into changing the habits that are going to negatively impact our kids. Do you spend too much time on your phone (I often do)? Make a habit of setting it down when you get home and not looking at it until a set time (after the kids are in bed). Do you watch too much TV, or let your kids? Set up a reading time instead. Do you do your thing and let your kids do theirs? Institute a family game night or family walk twice a week. It doesn't have to be earth shaking to start, but it has to be something. As parents (and dad's especially) we must control the atmosphere of our home and in large part this has become controlling the flow of media that enters our homes. If we are always on our phone and in front of the TV and computer our kids WILL understand where our priorities are at and gravitate toward those things as they grow older. However, when we make TV an occasional treat, and use the computer as a tool for creativity and study, if we encourage reading and demonstrated it as desirable; only then can we provide a set of priorities that align with our values and hope that our kids will latch onto these priorities instead. Uninvolved parenting is easy, but its results are devastating. Leaving the future of our kids to School teachers, TV shows and Movies is a recipe for conflict, confrontation and ultimately disaster later down the road. Instead we must proactively set priorities engage in the lives of our kids and purposefully inject morals, direction, joy and patience with them. Check back later next week for an article where I am braking down 4 harmful ways uninvolved parenting impacts family life.
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