It's hard to believe that it has been 3 years since my wife and I brought our son home from Ethiopia (we brought him home in Nov of 2015). Now, as we are gearing up to start the process one more time I wanted to look back and remind myself of our first journey and the lessons that I learned from the first go around. With some simple self-reflection, I realized that there were things I did that worked and things I did that didn’t work at all. With this blog, I want to walk through some of these lessons. My goal is to help anyone new to the process get a grasp on what they can expect and for myself to remember the process so that as I dive back in, I can help my wife remain sane and help my kids understand what’s going on. Here are 5 of the lessons that I learned from our first international adoption.
Number 1: Do your homework, know what you’re getting into.
I am a pretty passive guy, so when my (at the time) girlfriend told me adoption was a must if marriage was going to happen, I had no issue with it. After all, caring for orphans is in the Bible. Needless to say, after we were married and we got into the process, I was in over my head. For me, none of this was a deal breaker, but because of my personality, I ended up playing catch up through the whole process. While we did make it through, my unpreparedness made the process a lot harder for my wife. Her stress was multiplied because she had to play both updater and educator. I like to take time to process things which wasn't always possible with new updates steadily coming in. This disconnect only further added to both my stress and my wife's.
From all this, you can see how being passive can turn into a vicious cycle. Looking back, I would do two things differently. First, I would set up a time for a debrief every week or at least once a month depending on where in the process we were. Secondly, I would proactively find things I could do to help the process along. Doing these things would take some stress off my wife while helping me engage and be more active in what was going on. When it comes to your adoption, I would say the following: If you are passive and/or an introvert make sure you actively seek to engage in the process with your spouse, and if your spouse is the disengaged type, try and work with them to encourage them and inform them as much as possible. Don't just assume things are working, check in and make sure they are.
Number 2: The human mind is an amazing thing.
Many of the things that adoption taught me about children, how the mind works, how it protects us from trauma and how we can retrain it to heal were mind-blowing for me. These were things I would never have learned had it not been for adoption. Trauma affects everyone, but it affects everyone in different ways. So, no matter how “easy” a child had it in an orphanage, the fact that they were in an orphanage is traumatic!
I think that any parent regardless of adoption or bio kids should take many of the classes adoptive parents have to take. Education on children can help with so many parenting questions and concerns. Questions like: “Why is my child doing this?” or “What can I do to help my child?” Formal training (and reading good resources) can also provide insights into our own actions and responses in life. This, in turn, can help us catch many of them before we pass them on to our children. If you do only one thing before your adoption, read up (This book and anything from Karen Pervis is a good start) and talk to other parents who have adopted. It’s hard to understand what you are getting into without digging into the reality of it.
Number 3: “My” experience is not the only standard that matters.
We are all unique, we all have different stories and experiences. These are the things that shape who we are. The trouble is, just because I was taught one way doesn’t mean that it's the right way, and just because I had certain experiences doesn’t mean that I should expect (or even desire) the same experiences for my kids. Many people fall into this mindset (and I am no exception here), not because they are closed off, but more likely it's due to a lack of knowledge. If all we know is one way, then that is what we will do, even if we don’t necessarily want to. The world we live in is always changing, and in many cases, this means that our approach and understanding of how and why we do things as parents can be updated to incorporate these new understandings of how the brain works. I am not saying we throw out everything from the past (morals and Religious beliefs for example), but we must be willing to evaluate our bias and learn how it has been affected by our upbringing and then translate that knowledge into good parenting choices for our kids. These things need not be mutually exclusive.
Often times our culture wants to take this idea so far so as to put the child in the driver’s seat. But this is a failure on the parent’s part and this uninvolved parenting style is utter foolishness. Kids don’t actually want to be in control, instead, they want structure, and many times outbursts and unwanted behaviors are just ways that children test the water to see who is really in control. Their desire is to know that they are loved and that you are in control and they can trust you and rest in that. Every parent has experiences (good or bad) to draw from, it is our job to evaluate our kids, our experiences and the newest parenting techniques for trauma to determine what will help our kids thrive. Sometimes this is easy, often times it’s not because every child will be different and trauma just adds additional layers that must be worked through to get to an equilibrium where the child is content and knows they are loved and you are in control.
Number 4: Parenting a trauma kid requires a different approach from non-trauma kids.
This goes hand in hand with the first 3 items. If we understand how the brain works, and we understand that our experiences with parenting don’t have to be the norm, then we can see that each of our kids requires thought put into how to nurture them. Trauma only adds to the urgency of this analysis because it affects every aspect of parenting. Add to this the fact that with international adoption we often have little or no history of our child’s past and we get a recipe for disaster. Abandonment, abuse, hunger and fear all feed into a fight or flight mode that “normal” parenting techniques often interpret as defiance. Parenting the symptom without understanding the root cause is a lot like taking the batteries out of a smoke detector instead of trying to find the fire. We must search for and understanding the underlying problem so we can help our kids overcome the trauma from their past.
Number 5: Love is a powerful thing!
If you want to see something amazing, adopt a child and love that child through all the problems you both bring to the relationship. Not only will the child blossom, but you will change immensely as well. If you can do this “simple” thing, I promise that neither you, your family or the child you adopt will ever be the same again. As I mentioned at the beginning, my wife and I are only a few years in and even now it amazes me how far our son has come. I have regrets, things I wish I would have done differently, but the more effort I put into learning from my mistakes, the more encouragement I get when I see how all my kids receive it and grow along with me. Being a parent, in general, will stretch you, but I believe that being an adoptive parent will push you farther and reward you more than you may think is possible. All you have to do is say yes and stick with it.
Big Takeaway
Some people adopt because it’s “the right thing to do” others feel called, others do it because they can’t have bio kids; whatever the case our attitude, when we adopt, can’t be that of a rescuer coming in to save the day. If we have the mindset of a hero we will fail. Instead, we must understand the task, understand the weight of responsibility that adoption (and parenting in general) bridles us with, and understand that joy and pain are sure to come. Parenting is a roller-coaster ride and adoption will almost certainly add a few loop-de-loops in the journey.
Even with these twists and turns the end goal should remain clearly in our cross-hairs. I think Proverbs 22:6 summarizes this goal better than I can:
Train up a child in the way they should go, even when they are old they will not depart from it.
Lord may we honor you with the monumental task you have entrusted to us as parents and may our kids glorify you in this life and the one to come.
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