I am a passive, procrastinating introvert. Inside my head is the brain of an engineer competing for time with the creativity of an aspiring artist… oh, and I’m also a total people pleaser. If that sounds crazy to you, don’t worry it gets better.
To me, this was never a weird dynamic. I never thought to self-examine or take a personality test. I had better things to do (or to put off doing). I figured I was just another normal guy. I grew up enjoying sports and liked to mainly be left alone to my own imagination. When it came to friends, I didn't find the need to hang out very often because I could fill my "friend quota" with time at school, in sports, and at church. The one big problem that this Frankenstein of attributes and daydreams can't produce is a real girlfriend. This wasn't due to a lack of trying. I had a very active imagination, but no matter how good your imagination is concerning a relationship, unless you take real action at some point your destined to live inside your dreams the rest of your life. **
Thankfully, for my pride at least, when the chance finally came, I made the first move. It only took me 25 years, so looking back on it now, maybe it was more panic than anything. But I like to think it was a healthy mix of, "OH my God she's so confident and beautiful, and actually talking to me", coupled with a sprinkling of "don't mess this up loser!". From my future wife's perspective, she was drawn to my "quiet confidence" and "patient loving attitude". Translated from infatuation land into the real world she was actually drawn to my attitudes which said: "do whatever it takes to look like you know what you’re talking about at all times" coupled with a “patience” that was rooted squarely in "passive procrastinating". Regardless, the cruel ironies of how people are drawn together meant that my amalgamation of traits was immediately attractive to my wife, who is the opposite in nearly every way. She is a take charge, no held punches, say it like it is, gets things done now type A personality. So the roller coaster began. Now if you were to graph my emotions on a time vs level of enthusiasm graph it would look like this:
It looks like a pretty straight line because in order to see any movement you would have to zoom in… a lot!
To a person with my emotions and enthusiasm, these "ups and downs are rather large. Now, when we look at my wife's graph we can see the beginning of the problem.
To a personality like hers, my "peaks and valleys" don't even register. At first, this is awesome because she thinks: "Yes someone to help ground me". But after being married to, and having to live with, this “steady eddy” every single day, her thoughts quickly turn into:
The next problem is how these two types of people complement each other. In chemistry, some elements join together and form great things…. think hydrogen, oxygen and water….H20. Other things…. not so much.
Our two personality types create what can best be described as an “explosive reaction” instead of the “happy bliss” we expected. Without a lot of work, they don't blend as well as we would like them to (putting it nicely). The problem is, that no matter where I am on the graph, the emotion line will look about the same. The only real change is the overall disposition of my attitude. I can be relatively happy, or I can be a little upset but there are no spikes for the most part.
My wife is the opposite, her average may be about the same overall, but she has large spikes up and down. When I first thought about this my engineering mind assumed that these two personalities would work well together, after all, my steady nature should help ground some of her positive and negative swings, right? Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work like that. Instead, my combination of traits seems to work as a kind of random multiplier which just turns her semi-regular looking pattern of ups and downs into something unpredictable.
If you add kids into that slightly crazy but still manageable equation it like adding a multiplier to the exponent, every emotion is dramatically increased.
The point here is one of both recognition and response. To see a problem in a relationship is one thing, to choose to work on it is another and to sacrificially labor through challenges another entirely. Let’s work through each of those steps.
#1 Seeing the Problem:
Many relationships in our culture look a lot like mine. Maybe not the same issues or problems, but in general one spouse is wholly different in personality and outlook concerning certain actions and/or attitudes than the other spouse. There’s a reason for the saying: “Opposites attract”. The good news is, this isn’t the end of the world, in fact, I think marriage was designed for this type of union. The real issues come up when we think our marriage should serve us. I am not a musician, but I have tried to learn the guitar a couple times and so I thought this analogy was helpful:
Marriage is not an instant party, as if we can say “I do”, hit a button on the stereo and then dance away into the happily ever after, enjoying the music. Instead, marriage is like the laborious task of learning to play a brand new instrument along with our spouse. It will take a while to find our rhythm and learn the chords and sound good together, but after the hard work, we can dance to our own beat, enjoying the work we put in at the beginning.
My advice for anyone thinking of getting married would be to try and see this reality before you make a lifelong commitment. Most young couples (myself included) go into marriage blissfully unaware, thinking infatuation and “love” will carry them through. This is not reality! Love is a daily choice and unless we are committed to choosing to love “until death does us part”, we are in for a shock when the infatuation wears off. Thankfully, both my wife and I chose to be in this for the long run. Which meant when the honeymoon bliss was obscured by the clouds of kids, or arguments or life, we continually choose to stay committed to working it out and still do, to this day. Even if we (mostly me) still have to apologize daily for things we are working on. Until you can see this picture as the reality of marriage you will wallow in questions of “is this the wrong person?” or “Did I do something wrong?”
#2 Choose to work on it
Marriage is a daily choice between yourself and your spouse and kids. I could be relatively happy bringing home a paycheck, playing with my kids, spending some time with my wife and then retreating to my computer or TV. But this behavior easily turns into a list we can check off instead of real relationships. It sends the message to our spouse that they aren’t important and demonstrates to our kids how relationships should NOT work. The biggest step we can take each day is choosing to be engaged. The idea of uninvolved parenting is an oxymoron because parents who are not engaging with their kids are really just glorified babysitters. Similarly, our culture paints marriage into a corner, telling us we should get what we want out of it, and if we don’t then we are free to abandon ship.
#3 Sacrificially and Humbly Push on
Realizing that marriage is work and then wanting to work on it come naturally for most couples. The problem is we underestimate the amount of work we are in for. The movies make it seem like all we need to do is say “I’m sorry” once in a while. Then, no matter how grievous the mistake, we pop back into the infatuation phase and move on with our relationship. Real life is not so easy. “I’m sorry” may be the start, but your willingness to continue working on something after you apologize is endlessly more important (and often difficult) for a healthy marriage. There have been many times where I have had to apologize for the same thing, over and over and over. Anna has been very gracious with me but this lack of change has also jaded her (and rightly so). Only when our desires and our actions line up will real change take place. When this happens trust can be restored and a willingness to put effort into working on something can return. The good news is it only takes one spouse to begin this process. If you show that you are willing to sacrifice and stick through struggles your actions will speak more than any overused romantic jargon ever could (Side note, if you can combine these two, with the romantic display AFTER you have demonstrated your commitment, then the romantic display can be a powerful thing!).
I will end with a lesson I have learned. When we try and work on our marriage and don’t see a lot of change it can be easy to think that we are better than our spouse for trying when they are not. This attitude only serves to further undermine the process of healing. People are complex and to dismiss a spouse after we have hurt them because we are trying and they aren’t, ignores the fact that they have things to work through just as we do. My best advice is to talk. If you knew me then you would say that sounds crazy coming from my mouth, because I hate to open up and express feelings. But the only time progress has been made between my wife and me was when I opened up and we talked. If you’re an introvert like me, try it, you may just have the breakthrough you were looking for.
**Unless you get lucky and meet a girl who has got it together more than you do and pushes you to a decision.
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