Three years ago this month (Nov 2015) my wife and I brought our son home from Ethiopia. At that point we had already gone through 4 years of waiting with all the disappointment, emails, hospital scares and paperwork that you could fit into a 48+ month period. (Here is a recap of our journey we put together if you're interested) Looking back, it was a tough stretch with challenges we had never faced before. Now, as we are preparing to do it all over again, I wanted to do my best to better prepare for the journey once again. This isn’t an exhaustive list by any means, but here are 15 ways adoptive parents can prepare for adoptive life.
Number 1: Be prepared for the cost.
International adoption is rarely cheap. For most people, it will be a significant investment. Don’t panic, there are lots of tips and tricks to budget (Like Here and here) and fundraiser (Check here). I am a firm believer that adoption is blessed by God so pray often and believe that when we take action on a desire to step out in faith, He WILL provide a way.
Number 2: Be prepared to wait.
From home studies to paperwork, to being matched, everything in the international adoption process can seem like it's designed to make you wait, all the while adding to your anxiety. So, instead of worrying and wondering for months or years, focus on number 5 below to get into the lifestyle of learning, it will not only prepare you for some of the changes international adoption brings, but it will serve you well in every area of life.
Number 3: Be prepared to parent your adopted children differently.
If you have bio kids, their experiences will be different than your adopted children and even if you have no children, your adopted child will have unknowns that require special attention and care when handling. Trying to parent just like everyone else won't be an option, so prepare now for the condescending looks and smug judgmental comments that "normal" parents will provide as you roll with the punches that parenting a trauma child can bring.
Number 4: Be prepared for Health issues.
This isn't always the case and often depends on where you are adopting from and what you are willing to accept. However, the chances are at some point you will experience new and unseen health issues, from eating issues to bowel movements to skin care, just remember there is a community who has probably gone through the same issues you are facing and most of them will be more than willing to help. So reach out on Facebook find your local
support group and roll up your sleeves (or put on the latex gloves).
Number 5: Never stop trying to learn about international adoption.
If you were not adopted, then you can’t understand what your child is going through without learning. There are many (many!) incredible resources out there for adoptive parents (here, and here are some of our favorites) so try and absorb as much as you can. If you can find a local conference (or attend this one if you can make the trip its amazing) for foster and adoptive parents even better! My wife also shared many of these resources with her family and mine before we adopted to try and help them understand the process we were getting into and how things would be different between their kids and ours.
Number 6: Be prepared for paperwork.
It seems to never end, from fingerprinting to interviews to background checks, it can seem overwhelming. Husbands help your wives here. I left too much of this to my wife which just put more stress on everything in the process. Instead split the load, give each other a break and remember the end goal when you feel lost with no progress in sight.
Number 7: It’s normal to feel differently about your adopted child compared to your bio kids at first.
I know this will not be a popular point, but your bio kids often had years to (literally) grow on you, and love at first site is still not a real thing, even when adopting. If it’s not an instant attachment, it will come. Take a deep breath, say a prayer and keep on loving. Remember, love is a choice! When we choose to invest in someone our desires and attitude are shaped by our choosing. It’s a cycle that feeds itself and leads to genuine love and attachment. It's also normal for one parent to feel more attached than the other, kids will naturally gravitate toward one parent, so if you feel left out don't panic. Just keep pursuing and loving and attitudes will change.
Number 8: Be prepared for thoughts of doubt.
Raising kids is hard, and raising adopted kids adds struggles that parents of bio kids just won’t understand. There is nothing wrong with doubt, the problem comes when doubt is left unchecked and allowed to fester. Instead address it right away, remember God's promise to be with you, talk with your spouse or a counselor and remember seasons come and go, so push on to the greener pastures ahead.
Number 9: Be prepared to ask for support.
Support is a necessity when you are in the thick of things. Don’t wait to seek it out until you feel like your drowning. Instead seek it out right away, especially from other adoptive parents who have weathered similar struggles. Facebook is great for this and my wife has joined many adoptive groups to ask questions and absorb as much knowledge as she could.
Number 10: Don't neglect self-care.
Remember everyone needs breaks. We are all human! We all need rest, something that gives us hope and helps us relax! It can be anything: an online business, a sport, exercise, reading, even a simple show to watch. Regardless of what it is, don't neglect self-care!
Number 11: Be prepared for plans to change on the fly.
Things in the international adoption world change all the time. You may not be able to adopt from the country you want, or get the referral you want, or adopt in the time frame you want. Agencies open and close, laws get updated or changed, and estimated wait times can increase. All of these things require patience and trust and setting yourself up for change at the beginning can save heartache throughout the process.
Number 12: Some of the decisions you will have to make will not be easy!
Uganda or Ethiopia? Boy or Girl? Special needs or not? International adoption is full of tough choices. While you are in the process make sure you understand every choice, don't be afraid to ask questions, talk to other families who have gone through the same process and above all be honest with yourself. Overextending here can lead to a lifelong struggle to catch up to your choices.
Number 13: Be prepared for how your family will change.
Not every adopted family will become “multicultural” but many will. Even if you don’t you will still likely get questions about your adopted child. Many people mean well, but simply lack the understanding of what you went through. It's tough to prepare yourself for many of these changes, but knowing up front they can happen can ease the shock.
Number 14: Be prepared to ride out the roller-coaster ride.
International adoption has its highs and lows. So when you find the little gems that make it all worthwhile hang on to them. Often times discovering these nuggets of gold in the nitty-gritty can lead us into new seasons and outlooks on seemingly hopeless situations.
Number 15: Just because someone else had a certain experience doesn’t mean you will to.
Every adoption is different, because every child is different. Wanting to be in the company of someone who understands us is human nature and international adoption can quickly knock us out of our safe little circles into uncharted territory. Don’t panic, remember points 4, 5 and 8. Lean on your spouse and/or close friends. When you are in this together you have someone to cry with and celebrate with.
Final Thoughts:
International adoption can be tough, but I have found that after all the struggles it is always worth it. It may not be easy, but the more prepared you are for change, the quicker you can adapt and the easier it will be to find those nuggets of gold and turn them into memories you and your child will remember forever. To learn more about my adoption journey, check out the 5 things I learned from the first years of international adoption.
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