I walked through the concept of uninvolved parenting in depth when I talked about the new trend that uninvolved parenting is. As I was thinking about my experience with technology and my family I realized that this trend of more technology and less parenting doesn't just hurt our kids. Instead, it infects and affects every aspect of our family. This includes our kids, but also our spouse, the family as a whole, and ourselves. The more I thought about how much this addiction to ease effects our families, the more I wanted to put these thoughts into a blog so that I could work through them in my own life since this is something I can easily fall into if I am not careful. I may not go full on, ignore the kids for the TV, but there are areas where I make time for other things at the expense of my kids. The danger for anyone that has these tendencies is the compounding effect they have.
These impacts may not show up today or even this year, but they add up over time, and in the long run will likely be more than our spouse, kids or we can manage. In the end, neglecting to be proactive in our priority making and time consumption will leave us with no course but failure. The good news is, if we can realize this early on in our parenting there will be ample time to turn the ship before disaster strikes.
So here are the effects uninvolved parenting has on each of these 4 family dynamics as well as some possible solutions.
Number 1: Our Kids
As I mentioned in the first blog, uninvolved parents leave the outcome, outlook, and trajectory of our child’s life to someone else. Everything from behaviors to engagement to trust is affected when we have a hands-off approach to parenting. If we neglect to train and discipline our kid’s when they are young it will become too late, and very quickly! I am a procrastinator, which means I like to put things off until I know I will fail if I don't act.
The problem when it comes to parenting this way is that IT DOESN'T WORK. The late cram session with our kids will never materialize because there are no clear-cut deadlines with parenting. Instead, when procrastinators finally realize that it's too late, we try and rationalize with some form of: "I can save this". This thinking then leads us into full panic mode. Unfortunately, panic in parenting terms is interpreted by our kids as a lack of control, and often just outrage at some random thing that they’ve done.
This means they close off even more. The only long-term outcome from this type of late, panic, reactionary parenting is alienation from our kids. As much as I wish, at times, that I could feed the procrastination monster and withdraw, this behavior is simply more fuel that burns the bridges we are trying to build with our kids. Instead, we have to remind ourselves each day that there are deadlines in the form of opportunities that must not be passed up. Opportunities to teach, praise, discipline, and love on our kids. The only way we have a chance to seize these opportunities is if we are actively looking for them. If we are not actively looking for AND taking advantage of at least some of these opportunities, we are failing. Thankfully kids are very good at identifying genuine effort. Even if we fail from time to time, they can tell when we are actively engaging and pursuing a relationship and this tips the odds in our favor.
Number 2: Our Spouse
Rarely are both parents going to be completely uninvolved and if they are, it will most likely be in different capacities. Either way, this presents a problem. Kids are very adept at understanding what they can get away with from each parent. If mom is a stickler for something that dad doesn't care about the kids will come to dad whenever they want to get away with that thing. When this happens over and over it creates animosity between the two parents. How would you feel if you wanted to train your kids one way while your spouse, because of ignorance or a more general lack of caring, did nothing or even contributed to the opposite behavior you wanted to instill? This is what I would call a divided front, and it can cause one spouse to feel like they must carry the full burden of parenting.
Unfortunately, even with one parent thinking they are doing all the work, the kids often won’t see it this way. In reality, the true burden is a mixture of both parent’s actions. If one parent thinks something is extremely important and the other regards it as only somewhat important, then the kids will likely fall somewhere in between these two views. It's easy to see why finding a solution to the problem of a divided front is very important (With unmarried couples we can also see why these types of issues should be discussed before marriage so that potential issues can be understood before they involve kids). Even if both spouses generally agree on what they want to teach as parents, if the uninvolved spouse doesn’t think it’s a big deal or is clueless about how to implement said desires chaos will likely ensue. This chaos quickly leads to burn out in the parent that is trying, and if left unchecked can lead to depression and ultimately divorce in the marriage. The road-map to disaster is quite simple.
The involved parent has a clearly defined objective for their kids. The uninvolved parent is either ignorant of these desires or lazy and doesn’t put much effort into achieving the goals. The involved parent then feels the need to monitor their spouse on top of the burden of parenting their child to ensure that nothing negative is said or demonstrated. And so, the cycle repeats over and over until the involved parent is fed up and either blows up at the uninvolved parent or encounters depression and/or panic over the outcome of the family. The solution to this mess is simple in scope and complicated in implementation because it involves planning, compromise, and conscious effort. The important issues must be identified and open discussion must be had regularly. Things like how to achieve these goals, how the kids are learning and progressing and how to bring up conflicts of interest without coming off as nagging or preachy must be decided on before they are encountered. Finally, both parents must actively engage with real effort, accepting critiques and praising each other when deserved. Even if all the plans are laid, unless BOTH parents work at it, one of them will burn out. This is the big piece that can't be overstated when it comes to the health of your spouse. If one parent is simply floating along, chances are your marriage is in for a rough time (trust me as a floater this is good for neither spouse!). But, when there is a unified front with clear goals and mutual effort, both spouses will know where they are at and the kids will know that: mom and dad are on the same team and they both want what’s best for them.
Number 3: You
At first, I tried to ignore the “me” aspect of uninvolved parenting. But the more I thought about the times I just wanted to sit on my phone or put a movie in front of my kids, the more I realized that this aspect is really the key to fixing most of the other issues. Self-help advice is famous for preaching that it starts with you. After all, you are the only one that can change yourself. Unfortunately, this is truer than we often care to acknowledge. We do want to change circumstances, in this case, we want to help our kids grow and mature. But the realization of this desire has to start with us changing ourselves first. It’s easy to desire change, but to go out and achieve something takes hard work and adapting to change in others as well. As parents, this is truer than anywhere else. Our kids are always growing and acquiring new knowledge, friends, and experiences. Which means we must also change our methods and interaction techniques and discipline. If we are so stuck in our ways and thinking that we don’t need to change, there is a good chance that we will wake up one day wondering how we got where we are and what we did wrong. In order to avoid this realization later in life, we have to care enough in the present to plan ahead and be open to changing our methods. I’m not talking about changing the reasons we have for parenting, just how we interact with and relate to our kids as they grow up. If all we do is react we are in for many long painful years where the highlights will be the times we can sneak away from our kids. But if we have goals and work toward them with or spouse, and if we let our spouses know they are loved, and prioritized, we can switch the focus from times away from our kids to joyful times with them. The framework is important here, part of the unified front is laying the groundwork of beliefs, ethics, and morals that you want to instill in your kids. Remember that unless you practice what you preach, your kids are likely to blow you off.
Number 4: Our Family
The first three points clearly show how our family is affected when one or both of the parents are not involved. But let’s dig a little deeper into the family dynamic. As parents, it is our God-given command to raise up our kids. Think of Proverbs 22:6:
“Train up a child in the way they should go, even when they are old they will not depart from it.”
When we put minimal effort into our role as parents, preferring our Apps and TV shows or even our work, to engaging with our kids; we are ignoring our God-given role. Even if you are not a Christian, it's easy to see that this proverb is true. Uninvolved parenting slowly but surely destroys the family from the inside. It’s like a ship without a rudder, there is no direction, no purpose. A family with no defined goals will float along driven by the undercurrents of Netflix and the Public schools. This is the culture we live in. Parents (Dad's in particular) lack direction, kids do what they want and even church is a check-off box instead of a safe haven of learning. The culture of “GO” we live in has no time for self-reflection and makes no room for deeper thought. But these are the things that are required of “good” parents. We must continuously seek to learn, continuously communicate with our spouses and kids, and continuously pray for help. Real parenting isn’t easy, because real parenting understands the bigger picture. We are not here to (only) enjoy the company of our kids until they move out.** We are here to train them, teach them and discipline them so that when they grow up they will understand that life is more than Netflix and work.
**Let me add, that spending time with my kids is often very enjoyable. But it also often leads to opportunities to help them understand how life works. For example, yesterday my daughter set the dinner table and was having a great time. Asking for dishes, arranging them where she thought they should go and getting cups for everyone. Altogether a great opportunity to enjoy spending time together. But in the blink of an eye, her younger brother tried to move his plate to a different seat and…let’s just say she lost her ever loving mind! Which presented Mom and me with two choices. We could simply ignore the blow-up and proceed with dinner or we could take the harder road and try and explain to both kids what should have happened and how to go about fixing it next time. We attempted the correct method, but I wasn’t feeling well and mom was tired at the end of the day so the response wasn’t as loving as it could have been, but it was a step in the right direction.
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